Bird's Eye View

When the phrase “rebellious sense of peace” first popped in my head, I was sitting on my bathroom floor, tears streaming down my face, scared out of my mind. You know those moments when you allow your mind to stray too far and you start to notice the countless unknowns floating around in the universe, just waiting to unfold? Well I do my best to avoid that state of mind because as soon as I recognize all that is uncertain in my life and future, I snowball all the way into utter panic.

The phrase made me stop in my tracks as if I got slapped in the face by someone telling me to get it together. This phrase is probably already in existence, but here is my own personal definition of it:

Rebellious sense of peace (n): A completely unrealistic, risky, and rebellious sense of calmness and assurance in the midst of an uncharted, stressful, scary, or uncertain state.

It can apply to literally any situation, e.g: Starting a new relationship, continuing to love someone despite the uncertainty of the future, going for an important goal, or starting a new job, just to name a few.  Although it feels incredibly liberating to sit in the middle of a storm with complete stillness and confidence, it also feels utterly wrong. It goes against our instincts, against societal norms, and against everything we have been taught since we were babies. Erring on the side of caution is comfortable and safe, but also makes one feel stagnant. I think that’s what makes practicing a rebellious sense of peace so fun; it is against the rules and yet so healthy for your soul. It makes you feel like a Badass.

This is a super new concept to me, and quite frankly I am still very hesitant to immerse myself in this radical idea of maintaining peace during insecurity and uncertainty.  It feels terrifying in the moment, but I always feel on top of the world afterwards. I literally feel like a rebel. A specific area that I have to practice this mindset is in striving for my goal to be a Zumba Instructor. Everything about becoming a Zumba instructor goes against my restrictive internal set of “rules” I have placed on myself to keep me safe from failure and disappointment.

• You’re not a good enough, so why try?
• You don’t have an outgoing personality.
• You don’t have the right kind of body.
• You don’t know what you’re doing.
• Who are trying to fool?

I have had to realize that just because these thoughts swirl around my head from time to time, doesn’t mean they are true. In fact they are the opposite of the truth. These thoughts rise to the surface every time I am practicing my dances or right before leading a class. Anxiousness and panic ripple inside me, warning me to turn back now before it’s too late. This is when I have to let the chaos of my thoughts, fears, and emotions swirl around me like a tornado, while I quietly reside in the eye of the tornado, moving forward toward what I want for my self deep down. Being a Zumba Instructor makes me feel alive. It makes me happy, therefore I will continue to battle my insecurities instead of surrendering what’s important to me. I wrote down what I wanted to get out of my Zumba experience so that I can look back on it when I’m feeling insecure or overwhelmed. It’s good to have a clear picture of what your bravest and most determined self wants so your cautious side doesn’t cheat you out of it. It feels good to break the mold of my timid mindset and allow the metamorphosis of a daring, fearless, and confident outlook take place.

Whatever it is that your soul craves, but your conscious mind tries to talk you out of, GO FOR IT. Beware that it will feel completely wrong, awful, and frightening, but you will also feel powerful, unstoppable, and completely free at the exact same time. At least to me, the negative feelings are worth withstanding if I can gain access too the incredibly empowering emotions as well. I mess up constantly when teaching. I don’t have a dance background so it’s hard for me to choreograph my own songs and most of the time I feel like a Nube. Despite not being perfect, the fact that I get out in front of people and expose my true self fills me with enough pride to keep me going. The vulnerability you feel from putting yourself out there will be excruciating, but it will also lead to a sense of peaceful oness with yourself. One that surpasses the fear of opinions of others and your own self-doubt, because those low frequency thoughts can’t reach you when you have earned your way to higher ground.

I’m not sure if I’m just naturally an anticipatory/anxious person, or if I’m just in a stage of my life that is quite uncertain and somewhat frightening (fingers crossed it is a stage), but I have to calm myself down from the swirling tornado of my worries and fears somewhat often. In the recovery of the incident I mentioned at the beginning of this post, words just spilled out of my brain and that’s when “rebellious sense of peace” became a thing. Here is what I wrote:

“ In order to have the courage to be truly vulnerable, you must practice a rebellious sense of peace. One that transcends all understanding. One that goes against every unspoken rule that society has set out for us like; “prepare for the worst” and “don’t be too happy or else you will jinx it.” Just fall helplessly and ridiculously into what your soul craves. Whether it be entering into a new relationship, publicly sharing your art, going for a new job, or taking up a hobby that you always wanted to try. Rest in a rebellious sense of peace knowing that it will all work out in the end, because it will. Maybe not in the exact way you expected it, but even better. It takes guts to be vulnerable, but every single one of us has the capability to do it. Have the courage to go for what scares you and the resilience to stick with it through the tough times. A life lead by vulnerability isn’t easy, but its worth the bruises and scars.”

I got a tattoo of a bird in memory of my grandma this past summer.

The bird is a symbol that God is always watching over us from a bird’s eye view beautifully crafting our futures, so I can rest in knowing that I am being taken care of. When I get into a really low and frightened place, I look at my tattoo and remind myself that peace is coming to my soul because God is working up something great. There is no need to analyze what that might be, just trust that you can fearlessly dive into what gives your life meaning because the greatness is on its way.

Written with love,

Becca