Yesterday has passed, but the remnants still seep through my unhealed wounds. My growth has left scratches and tears, still trying to patch up as I inhabit this new body of mine. Wobbly like a baby deer learning to walk, my new mindset struggles to maintain its new standards. Tomorrow has yet to come, but the blinding brightness signals terrifying beauty. My insides weaken as my outer person strengthens. It’s an inverse relationship.
I have discovered an inner world in which I am alone. Unique, different, original. I reside in this place in oneness with myself. It is my home. Where I can rest, where I can retreat, where I can restore. My place is everlasting. It is sacred, and it is mine. Reside here. Heal, learn, risk. Cultivate this space with everything you have. You are singular, you have no responsibilities but to strengthen and grow what God has already placed in your hands.
I knew I didn’t have my own space in the external world, but then I realized I didn’t have privacy in my inner world either. I let people take over my mind. I had nowhere to go. I don’t just need to be alone from people physically, but also mentally. I need a spot that only I can enter. One that doesn’t allow my fears and worries to tag along.
The emptiness has taken shape. It is a gray balloon of air that begins at my heart and stretches down to my left hip. Numbness. It feels like a tumor… one that sucks any feeling, emotion, and connection away from my senses. It is empty and hollow. Why is it there? What can dissolve it and replace it with wholeness and healing? It leaves me sad, bored, and unsure. I feel like I have a film over me that prevents me from feeling deeply. Like I am trapped on the other side of a glass window. I desperately want the boundary to go away because I have felt the sweetness and love of the other side, but fear keeps it up. I end up feeling numb and hollow instead. I want to reach the other side, even if it could lead to pain because true connection through vulnerability could also be a possibility. I’m being held back. When I lose sight of myself, I lose everything and everyone else too.
The alarms sound as thoughts of separation creep in my mind. A thin layer of fear and caution cling to my skin, especially tight around my neck and in my temples. I breath a sigh of relief when you’re near, but I immediately reset my defenses when I catch myself getting comfortable. Logical thinking may be my protection, or it could be sabotaging me from breaking through to the next realm. I am on a cliff. The abyss is pitch black… either the fall to my death or the leap to unspeakable connection.
You’re free. You love someone without needing to be loved back. You love someone without needing the guarantee that it is going to work out. You aren’t tied to anyone else’s emotions, you are standing alone.
Anxiety feels like you’re being followed by a dark figure in an ally. You get a vague sense of uneasiness and danger, but you can’t be sure if its just in your head or if it’s reality. Sometimes the figure turns around, and you’re filled with a sense of relief. You are angry that you allowed yourself to get so scared over something that was never a threat. But sometimes the figure gets closer and closer. Your breathing quickens, and your hands start to shake. Before you know it, you are being chased by this unknown figure and when he catches you he beats you to the ground until you are weak and too exhausted to keep fighting. He leaves you laying limp as you try to figure out what just happened. That’s what anxiety feels like to me. Like danger is approaching, but it’s too hard to distinguish if its in my head or if it’s reality before it’s too late.